Choosing

It seems many times life boils down to decisions. Choices we make, guiding our lives in one direction or the other. Sometimes our decisions might carry small consequences. Like shopping for groceries, wondering if you feel like apples or bananas for a given week. Realizing in the back of your mind, a mistake can be easily remedied. If the apples are selected and a few days later the bananas are desired. The car might be easily driven back to the store. Still, other decisions we make during life might carry added weight. These challenging questions seem to propel us into different directions. Over the past few months life has been taking quite a few turns. Presenting me with thoughts and ideas having large impacts on my own patterns. Any time directions in life change, the origination point peaks curiosity. The question of where the whole change truly began ruminates. Thinking back, this transition appears to carry a less complicated answer. Though the answer to one pointed question had been years in the making. When someone probably knows you better than you do yourself. They understand the correct moment to confront a topic. Who treats you better was the inquiry presented in a moment. Two relationships signifying opposing ideologies inside my mind. Ideologies being grappled with for some time. The time had come to ask for some thoughts, along with a decision.

The question could have been brought about to measure self-esteem. A question posed by Dr. Montgomery, who possible understood the implications of the answer. One thought might have lead us down the same old road we had been traveling. The one lacking the challenge to truly take steps forward. Signifying the self-worth required to look at treatment through a realistic lens hadn’t begun fully taking shape. Still, the second answer, possibly the less predictable response would have caused waves. It would have signified the potential of taking steps forward. The beginning of a letting go process, which to that point had been avoided. Moving into a new way of thinking about myself and the life of my choosing. Deciding to take on some real change. When the question was posed, it took me by complete surprise. With the moment providing shock waves. The immediate processing of the question began running around my mind. Two separate worlds flashed in the moving pictures of my brain. One world feeling more deserving than the other. The problem being, that world which felt so deserving, wasn’t the one making me happy. Which possibly became the primary reason for the inquisition. The response took minutes to find, but it felt like hours. Dr. Montgomery patiently waiting for the answer.

There seems a journey to the major decisions in our lives. A process which can take years to complete. When people have been incredibly meaningful inside our lives. Talking us through some of the more challenging situations being faced. Those situational bonds don’t always tell the entire story. Trust can be placed in people who never truly earned that trust in the first place. They could have seen a target who was far too eager to trust. Lacking the boundaries to understand the interworking of healthy relationships. Resulting in bonds being formed full of toxicity. People may have the ability to continuously show up for us physically. Being there when we are in need of someone to speak with. They might also be happily around when we are feeling lonely. In need of another person to spend our time around. However, these actions can also be deceiving. They can lead us in error when words aren’t completely being heard. When the words being said, or the advice being given, refuses to be truly processed. We find an individual who lives in fear of being left alone. Meaning whatever you would like to say. Along with the manner in which you would like to treat me as an individual. All become okay, without being questioned, as long as some inclusion was being felt. When desperation seeps into the equation, belittlement and bullying find plenty of air to breath. Situations like this may have the ability to transpire for years.

The process of unraveling desperation can take multitudes of time. In my case, the journey has required pushes from a variety of places. All from people who care about my drive to become a better person. My responsibility has been to continue pushing forward. Even when the journey gets sidetracked. Finding the way back on course becomes important. One of the main ways to reestablish direction has been recognizing negative behavior. Enabling me to regain the positive path. That positive path forward seemingly essential for improving self-esteem. The journey along the path lending itself to feeling as though people truly care. Attempting to push me toward better things for my life. Helping my recognition that those negative emotions don’t need to be endured. It was the feeling persistent during most of the interactions with relationships. The desire of fighting against negative emotions coming out of those friendships. The give and take had become far from natural interaction. Over time, the evidence of pain was beginning to become reality. The actions of becoming conciliatory, hoping for better outcomes wasn’t working. As these unavoidable truths became reality, the relationship started descending. The timing also coinciding with the escalation of feelings about my worthiness. The need for approval from people who belittled was slowly evaporating. Something Dr. Montgomery may have been watching happen. The recognition was made easier by the positivity going on inside my life. Creating the contrast to openly discuss the issues taking place. Issues holding me back from striving for better emotions.

We can’t always bank on relationships working out the way we plan. It doesn’t always seem to be a one to one ratio. Where giving up this toxic relationship automatically means engaging in more positive relationships. Letting go of unhealthy friendships appears best done independently of how a third person might react. The decision would carry the most weight if made by myself. Providing the choice with more staying power. But, these decisions made along the way don’t often happen inside a vacuum. Seeing something different presented in life helps push other options forward. This might show how we deserve to be treated moving forward. Interactions that have presented different ways of making me feel inside. Certain forms of interaction can bring about emotions not often felt. With those emotions, fear has often been close behind. The feeling of something positive causing almost a recoil. At times, driving me back into old habits. Instead of pushing me forward into the pursuit of positive connecting ability. It has been the hallmark trait inside one of the relationships. The emotion of safety and happiness accompanying the interactions. The struggle has involved that feeling of being worthy of such connection. Feeling deserving of connections making my life feel positive. They have continued to be run away from, seeking the negative behavior instead. Then, desiring to make another attempt to reengage with positivity, after some time had passed. After the manipulation of others had again, become too overwhelming. The pursuit of better emotions would occur, it had all become a game without an end in sight.

The games seemed to leave me floating in the middle. Not really understanding the best direction for myself. Cerebral palsy continuing to play such a significant role with my self-worth. Making for the challenging task of detaching from depressing ideas about my identity. In these moments, it would appear the impact was on more than just myself. The game might be playing itself outward, from inside my own emotions. The impact of those emotional games could have been far reaching. Turning themselves into toxic situations, as feelings about myself began migrating into positive directions. The instigation of this game seemed, due to those negative feeling pulling me upward when positivity started taking root. Like the strings of the past, doing their best to hold on for dear life. The only person charged with cutting those strings was myself. Life’s situations were causing such an oscillation from one emotion to the next. Dragging me in different directions based around my emotions about my perceptions. The indecisiveness holding me back from expressing honest feelings. Emotions that might be in opposition of how others viewed my role inside some circle of friends. Relationships I wasn’t ready to place in jeopardy or part ways with. Instead, stuffing away my emotions that could be looked upon in contrast with popular belief. The stuffing of emotion was creating turmoil inside. Causing a mask to be dawned each day in an effort to play along. Attempting to gain an acceptance that deep inside of myself, I truly didn’t want.

The entire situation was keeping me from moving forward. Holding me away from living life through an honest prism. Robbing myself of striving for the goals important to me, instead continuing my attempt to maintain a facade. It took realizing the toxic nature of living life in this matter. Because, inside my emotions, I was trying to keep up an act. Not wanting to hurt myself by making the wrong choice. The safe agenda was to continue badgering myself for having cerebral palsy, while feeling happiness wasn’t deserved. My life should be spent around people who were mean. It had been “working” to this point. At least, leaving me feeling included to some extent. Even when the inclusion lead to more unhappy moments. I was taking what was being given, rather than striving toward the feelings of my heart. That would require taking scary risks, which had been backed away from for years. The jolt of the inquiry from Dr. Montgomery was required to remove me from the game of living in limbo. The avoidance of life being spent following my heart. Listening to myself think about the answer of which individual treated me better. Then, listen to myself provide an auditory answer for the record, if you will. The name was given and the process seemed to make everything real. Now, there was something out in the atmosphere to hold myself accountable. Marking a true shift in the way my self-worth was beginning to improve. Seeking better treatment, even if not always reciprocated, was far better than living with belittlement. The shock to my system seemed to have worked.

Within answering the question there had to be courage found. Courage to make the decision sending my life onto a different path. A path of unfamiliarity requiring recognition of relationships void of functionality. The scary part was taking the closer look into friendships. Because we never quite know what could be found with the closer look. Then, when things do become brought to light and thought over. The realization of actions seeming to be required may cause emotional discomfort. The discomfort lending itself to deeper thought and eventually culminating in starting to take action. Making the decision by speaking out loud brings about the cascading of events, with the coming results, not totally understood at the time. Admission sent me into truthfulness with myself. Helping me continue the climb out of places seemingly wrapped in denial. It was helping me understand and accept some ideas reluctant to be looked upon. The treatment was hurting my self-worth and that treatment taking place wasn’t going to change. Though receding from the relationship had been taking place slowly over time. My actions were falling short of reconciling with myself the need to completely walk away. The question posed seemed honestly to bring the inevitable requirement to light. It was becoming vital to let myself free. Without there being blame or resentment in the wake. It was going to be challenging to live up to my answer. Feeling good enough about myself to walk away from toxicity.

The week following the question was full of uneasy emotion. Almost wondering the reason an answer came as quickly as it did. There have been other inquiries from Dr. Montgomery, which have been handled differently. Knowing he has the patience of not requiring answers at the moment of any question. The time taken to mull over an idea has always been welcome. For some reason, I was ready for this situation to be presented. My comfort around making a decision to begin guiding my future had arrived. Signaling the preparation of being ready to stop running from myself. The week was full of heartbreak over the transformation occurring during the conversation. A relationship holding much value during times past would be approaching the conclusion. The actions required to advance my growth brought on feelings of anxiety, without fully understanding how everything had transpired. Blaming myself for lacking the ability to comprehend the meaning of friendship. Giving relationships the ability to travel on much further than should have been happening. Still, the goal has remained to find happiness throughout the journey. The more acceptance going on within myself, the more letting go seems to be taking place. Choosing happiness has presented a challenge more complex than thought at points. With the requirement of accepting mistreatments that have transpired. Beginning to realize one has been deserving of better actions, brings about added responsibility. While in the wake of that responsibility can be heartbreak. It all seems to be worth going through, in an attempt to inch ever closer to the goal. Becoming fulfilled.

Having cerebral palsy seemed to imply the lack of ability. The lack of ability to choose who to be around. If someone was willing to spend time with me, they were welcome. The problem was welcoming anyone wanting to be around. That thought has led to some dark places as life has unfolded. Finding myself around individuals taking advantage or acting in a bullying fashion. Things eventually feeling as though they were well deserved. My attitudes about myself had sunk into such lows, any kind of treatment seemed acceptable. Until life begins turning corners and feelings of self-worth slowly elevate. Reaching the point where a challenging question can be posed. In a life situation, allowing the question to be reflected upon relatively accurately. Having spent years gaining the ability to understand who has been treating me better. The question was surprising and the individuals used also caught me off kilter. The answer was thought about for a few quiet seconds. With the response presenting itself in my brain with relative clarity. Understanding that giving Dr. Montgomery a bullshit answer has done nothing but hold me back. As themes have a tendency of showing back up later. The answer also meant a willingness to take responsibility for the decision. An understanding that negative treatment shouldn’t be tolerated any longer. Self-worth was growing, beginning to translate into recognizing belittlement from others. Along with starting to understand when positive interactions are happening. Leading to the growth of confidence, allowing me to walk toward happiness, instead of running from it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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