My anxiety over working in the batting cage wasn’t really about swinging the baseball bat. Waking up that morning, my thoughts didn’t fixate on the speed of the baseball. Sure, the regular insecurities came about. Wondering if I would even be contacting the baseball. The biggest fear over getting inside the batting cage was over the recording. The concept had been on my mind the entire week. It would really come down to my decision. Whether or not I wanted to set up the GoPro. This seems to be my next step in creating content about what it’s like to have CP. I can write about it until my heart’s content, and I try to do just that. However, the adage rings true that a picture is worth a thousand words. I have always experienced fear in watching myself on film. When I’m moving about my daily life, I’m not always aware of my differences. Unless someone looks at me awkwardly or treats me as if something isn’t right, I don’t pay a ton of attention. When watching myself on video, I see my disability in action. Which hasn’t always been a negative thing to be watching. Even though, there are times when it makes me feel sad. When I can see myself struggling in my ability to move. Or when I hear the slurring of my speech, when it might be challenging to communicate. I have also learned, watching myself on video can be a great teacher.
Like most of the times I consider using the GoPro, there was hesitation. An entire week of thought going on inside my mind. Considering if recording my batting cage experience would be a good idea. When the trainer brought up the concept of hitting in the batting cage, I immediately began talking about getting the experience on film. Wanting to kind of pigeonhole myself into using the camera. I thought talking about the using of the camera, along with discussion over places to set up the GoPro, would inspire my commitment to filming. Knowing that there would still be time for backing out of the recording. I battled my negative thoughts for the entire week. Having engaged in the first discussion about hitting baseballs on Monday, for a Friday session. By the time Thursday evening had arrived, my mind was pretty settled. The camera had been set to charge earlier in the afternoon. At the very least, I was taking my fully charged GoPro to the gym, the following morning. Thinking to myself that if I just got the camera to the gym, I would most likely bring it out to film. Finding good sleep that night before the hitting cage wasn’t easy. Waking in the middle of the night with the feeling like I was going to be sick. The anxiety got me out of bed to a false alarm, but I was intensely nervous about the coming morning activities.
The fear was with me when arriving at the gym to warm up. When I walked into FM sports the batting cage wasn’t pulled out from the wall. The thought crossed my mind that we might not hit in the cage today. Not too long after starting through my warmup, I could see the trainer begin setting up the batting cage. Watching the netting from the cage being pulled out from the wall, caused a catch in my throat. The anxiety was back over filming myself trying to hit a baseball. I knew that I had come too far during the week, not to set up the GoPro, and record the experience. Walking back down to the main level of the gym, I went directly to my bag. Pulling out the camera and expanding the legs of the small tripod. I walked to the outside of the batting cage and situated the GoPro. I was nervous when finally depressing the record button on the camera. Checking the screen to make sure of a good camera angle, there was no turning back now, I told myself. Backing away from the recording before there was time for any second thoughts. Inside the moment my anxieties from the week had been overcome. I knew that my next challenge would be downloading and watching the footage. History told me, I would carry out that challenge soon after arriving home. My biggest challenge was behind me, that of getting the GoPro in place, and hitting record.
Once there was recorded footage, I knew that I would watch. The largest challenge for me has always been finding the courage to use the camera. After getting over the hurdle of setting up the GoPro and recording myself in the batting cage. I wanted to take the opportunity to do more filming. So, we recorded another exercise, which has become an important tool inside the training sessions. As the morning progressed, my anxiety over watching the videos slowly turned into curiosity. Being happy we got more than the hitting of baseballs onto the GoPro. My curiosity was turning into moments of excitement, as I made my way home from the gym. There seemed to be such a mixture of emotion when anticipating the viewing of myself. Never quite knowing how the images will make me feel, happy or a bit sad. It took some time for me to get the short videos from the camera to my computer. My anticipation was building with each of the three films landing onto my desktop. I knew two of them would be from the batting cage, the other from a separate exercise. When all three clips arrived, the anticipation had ended. Now, instead of curiosity and excitement. I could feel some fear over what I might see and the emotions the images could bring about. I reached for my mouse and clicked on the first video. One I knew would show myself inside the batting cage.
The most challenging aspects of watching myself on video has been watching myself walk and hearing myself talk. For the most part, watching myself perform something athletically has caused a different response. One which leaves me proud of myself for the effort. I tend not to look at myself with an awkward emotion. It could be maintaining the concentration of making an athletic movement, that makes me appear better coordinated. This theme held true when I saw myself attempting to hit a baseball. I was surprised by the coordination in my movements. Looking at myself inside the batting cage didn’t bring about any emotion to turn away from the video. I have spent time thinking about the reasons this feeling might have occurred. The main concept coming to mind has been the workout sessions of the past few months. There was a switch in trainers for me that happened in January of this year. Just over eight months ago the decision was made to move in a different direction. The sessions have felt vastly different from the exercises I had been doing for years. I could tell the workout sessions were different but didn’t really understand the impact they were having. Plus, it can take some time for the impact of a new routine to begin taking shape. In my opinion, the filming showed a more balanced person. However, there were some sad moments on camera.
It can still be challenging to watch myself walk around. Watching myself move in and out of the batting cage. Or, standing around inside the batting cage, before starting to take my swings. I see a person who seems to have trouble moving in different scenarios. Even though, I’m not feeling the discomfort when inside of these moments. They can be emotionally challenging images to watch. Which leads me to feel like they are important for me to spend time watching. Because they show an unguarded picture of how I move about in the world. Instead of living in denial of moving similarly to those around me, in my daily life. The watching of the footage helps deepen the acceptance of who I am, with my disability. Helping grow to admire the courage within myself for taking on the challenges of cerebral palsy. I also notice things I can work to improve. When I watch, myself hutched over, spending a lot of time looking at the ground. I saw a person who wonders aimlessly at times, shying away from people, almost sheepishly. These are some things I catch in these videos that can be worked to improve. I can lock some of the images inside my brain for reminding me to simply stand taller and look up more often, instead of directly into the ground. There were other things in the images that I can’t control and some that were surprising.
Like the subject of physical movements. When there are controllable things and things beyond my control. My speech was something interesting to me, from the GoPro footage. I have always had trouble listening to myself speak. Listening to my slurring of words can leave me feeling embarrassed. Whenever watching myself and hearing my speech, I often move into self-preservation for the following few days. Trying to limit the amount of time I spend talking. Keeping in mind, some might think of this consequence as being amazing. Less of Peter flapping his gums, what a gift. But I noticed something interesting in watching the videos of the batting cage. Of course, there was the slurred speech of myself, which I have noticed for years. I also noticed times when I could be heard speaking with almost total clarity. Something I don’t know if I have experienced hearing much, in the past. When I could hear the slur almost disappear from my words, I sat flabbergasted. Wondering what the differences were in the two forms of speech I was hearing. Could it truly come down to how comfortable I might be feeling, in any given moment? I think that would be fascinating in itself. Like when watching my movement patterns. I found things that could be improved upon, in the ways I talk. Too often, I saw myself straining, when I was attempting to speak. Like talking was the most challenging thing in the world.
Taking positivity away from watching myself on camera feels important. Finding areas, I could improve upon takes away any kind if sadness being felt. I want to feel good about the person in the images. Become more accepting of the disability I have, along with its challenges. Even when the idea of capturing myself on camera gets scary. My hope would be to use my camera anyway. Because I have to think the more, I can watch myself, the better chance I have of accepting my cerebral palsy. The more I can become aware of the ways in which the disability is impacting my life. I was reminded by this round of videos to work on speaking with a more relaxed demeanor. To remind myself, I don’t have to attempt speaking more loudly. It’s okay for me to talk with a quiet, relaxed tone. This might be the key to speaking more clearly. I would encourage all people with cerebral palsy to try recording themselves. Even if the video never gets presented in public. Even if you don’t feel the courage right now, to watch. I know my life has been lived not wanting to watch myself. But the more I find the courage to watch myself, the better my acceptance becomes. I also feel we with cerebral palsy are the only ones who can show footage of what it looks like to have our challenges. I’m going to continue trying to find the courage to film. To try working on the acceptance of myself through those images. While also using them to work on self-improvements, I can make. It all seems like a worthwhile challenge.
A Journey With Cerebral Palsy 