A Journey With Cerebral Palsy

I had a good idea of what was going to happen. Time had been spent the previous day, getting the camera ready. We were planning on doing some filming. FM sports has been the gym, where I have been training. The gym is not only a strength training facility, but also a baseball facility. The hitting cages, when all of them are extended, cover the entire length of the facility. When the cages are pushed back against the wall, an entire expanse of field turf can be used for training. On this day, a hitting cage was going to be rolled out for use. The plan was to make hitting baseballs a part of a training session, just for the day. The concept of doing this was discussed on Monday of the week. With the plan of working inside the batting cage to be part of the training session on Friday. When the mention of this came about, I thought of catching it on video. Committing right then and there to bring my GoPro on Friday for the session. I didn’t really think anything of it, because I still had options. There would be no requirement for me to use the camera. If the idea of filming myself hitting a baseball brought about too much anxiety, there was no reason to film. Still, I fought against my own fears. Knowing that if I could muster the courage to utilize the GoPro. The video of me hitting a baseball could make for some cool content. 

There remains discomfort in shooting video of myself. Fear over watching myself inside the world continues to persist. Providing a hurdle for me to navigate within the process of creating content around my journey with cerebral palsy. The first of my attempted videos took place years ago, back in 2019. Doing sporadic filming, showing some of the exercises during my training sessions. With the way viewing those videos impacted my emotions, I began shying away from filming myself. However, I have found myself picking the concept back up, time and again. Feeling like the images do provide some kind of positive impact. Not only for me, in watching back the filming, but hopefully for others who have the curiosity to watch. Even with the availability of situations open to as much filming as I would want to do, I tend to shy away. When this opportunity came about to make use of the batting cages at the gym, I didn’t what to shrink. Immediately stating the idea of filming the hitting session. The trainer agreed about the idea of setting up the GoPro. We discussed ideas about where to place the camera, in order to capture good images. My brainstorming over getting good pictures was off and running. Starting to think about the small tripod I had for the camera. The thinking was, the GoPro could be set just outside the batting cage. I was hoping to escalate the concept in my mind, to a place that would propel me to follow through with the idea. 

The brainstorming about the concept was taking place early in the week. Leaving plenty of time for backing out of the filming idea. There was always the possibility of hitting in the cage, without getting it on video. I was immediately excited for the challenge of trying to hit off the pitching machine. The batting cage session would add something unique to the training session. A new way of working the muscles in my body, along with the coordination of my movements. Finding the courage to document it all on video would be excellent. Through the years, since filming the first videos of a few exercises. I have used the camera here and there. On interesting training exercises, I believed could be valuable. Along with filming myself engaged in activities outside the fitness realm. Most of the camera usage outside the gym, has been capturing my playing of golf. Wanting to demonstrate examples of how training sessions help my ability to continue participation in sports, as I age. Having the opportunity to swing a baseball bat and try connecting with a baseball, felt like part of this category. Illustrating through video something exciting that can still be done, even with cerebral palsy. This was my thought process, even though I had no idea of whether I would connect with the baseball. It had been years since stepping inside of a batting cage. The length of time between my stints of trying to hit a baseball, felt like another reason not to miss the chance, to get the session on video.

The debate carried on inside my mind. Thinking about the positive reason for taking my camera. Trying to overcome my feeling of fearfulness associated with watching back whatever images might be captured. Similar emotions might apply for most people. Whenever I watch myself on video, it never looks quite like the moments feel. Some of the things I see leave me feeling more impacted by my disability than I would have thought. Watching has brought about emotions of sadness in the past. With the age-old story of wishing my movements in the world could look like other people. Sometimes I even feel like it can be more challenging to watch myself surrounded by other able-bodied individuals. Moments painting an undeniable picture of what differentiates my movement patterns. Showing with clarity the challenges I’m facing with cerebral palsy. However, it feels more prudent to focus on the positive side of watching myself. There always seem to be moments of learning. When I watch myself take on a task better than I was perceiving my ability. Or, I might hear myself put together a sentence, with really good clarity. Leaving me feeling proud of the way I have taken on the challenges. Any video of myself that I watch comes with these mixtures of emotion. They always seem to help me get better at accepting who I am. Even through the uncomfortable emotions I’m confronted with, when watching things back. 

I was particularly concerned about watching my attempts to hit a baseball. My last year has been spent getting video of me working out or playing golf. Circumstances in which I have grown familiar with watching myself perform. I have developed a pretty good idea around the ways those videos might look. A video of me performing in a different scenario was causing anxiety. The week continued to progress and I knew a decision had to be made. Was I going to pull my camera out and prepare it for use? When Thursday arrived, my choice had become clear. It had been a few weeks since embarking on using my camera. I had an idea of where everything I would need might be, but wasn’t completely positive. The GoPro was found in a drawer I had newly designated for my “camera stuff”. My main concern was finding the charging cord for the camera. An item that seems to be easily misplaced. Thursday afternoon must have been my lucky day. Inside the drawer I found the camera in a small bag. Also inside the same bag was its charging cord. I probably should have run out and bought a lottery ticket. Setting up the camera to be charged was my first major step toward ending the debate in my mind. The move was an indication, the camera would probably make it to the gym the following morning. 

There was a final piece needed for the GoPro to be completely ready. An item I had to think about, because I didn’t know where it was. The small tripod I had would be ideal for standing the camera outside the batting cage. With a little brainstorming, an idea on the last time use of the tripod came to mind. I had set an older camera on it with an idea for using it for a golfing video. My golf bag was the first place I thought to look. Thinking if I had set the tripod up to be used on the course and didn’t used it. A good bet would be that it was still occupying space in the golf bag. Lucking out for a second time during the week. I again, found the piece of equipment needed to make the filming work. Sitting in my golf bag, just as I had thought, the tripod was resting inside one of the pockets. When the GoPro was finished charging. I unhooked the older model and fastened into the small tripod, the camera to be used the following day. The camera set up with the tripod was placed into my gym bag and everything mechanical was ready for the batting cage. The one thing left to overcome was the anxious feeling about setting up and using the camera. My discomfort felt under control, as I got ready to sleep. The middle of the night would awaken me with a different story. 

Anxiety usually doesn’t impact my thinking about a workout session. I have found myself with mild apprehension hours before a workout. Wondering about my ability to perform at the levels needed, but nothing I would consider disruptive. This was an entirely new experience when I woke up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous. The feeling startled me, leading me out of bed with a dread of inclination that I might be sick. Soon, the moment passed, and I climbed back under cover for a couple more hours of sleep. Waking up for the session, I felt like the moments of anxiety had passed. I would be incorrect, feeling a light headed instability on my way to the gym. The emotion of uncertainty had followed me into the morning hours. With continued apprehension, arriving at the gym gave me one last chance for escaping. The gym appeared full when I pulled into the parking lot. The open industrial sized garage doors provided windows inside the facility. I didn’t see any of the batting cages pulled out across the turf floor. Carrying my bag and water bottle, I walked through the entrance, like any workout morning. Making my way up to a balcony for my warmup on the bike, there were still no signs of batting cages. With so many people inside the gym, my nervous energy climbed another notch. Worried about the possibility of trying to hit, in front of all these people. I wasn’t five minutes into my warmup on the bike, as I watched my trainer start pulling out the side netting of a hitting cage. This was going to happen. Instead of the expected fear, I could feel courage start flowing through my body, as I continued peddling the bike. I sat on the bike deciding to give my best effort and record the experience. 

When I walked back down the stairs, leading me into the main part of the FM facility. My priority was to carry out the commitment made during my warmup. As the trainer was working on his final touches, preparing the batting cage. I walked into where my gym bag was sitting and pulled out my camera. Fidgeting with the small tripod for a few seconds, I released the three stabilizing legs. I chose a spot just outside the netting of the batting cage to set the camera. Powering up the GoPro, I used the screen to focus in on the shot. Everything was set up and ready to film. The entire week had been filled with question marks about my courage to set the filming in motion. Now, I felt it was too late for turning back. The trainer rose from his last-minute tweaks of the equipment. Everything was in position and ready for some hitting. The moment of truth had arrived. But I felt like my decision had been long past made. I depressed the record button on top of the camera and walked away. The filming had begun, as I stepped into the batting cage for my first round of swings. When the training session had ended, there would be video of myself trying to hit baseballs in three different short sessions. I was excited about the strength shown to follow through on recording the sessions. My anxiety lifted, followed by the desire to get home, and watch the video.