The overarching goal has been to reach thirty days of being completely clean. When I say completely clean, I’m talking about no self-gratification for thirty consecutive days. I use the term self-gratification instead of using the term masturbation. Halting my episodes of self-gratification remains the final piece of completely moving out of sexual dysfunction. A struggle that has caused havoc in my life since my early teenage years. The addiction was used to ease the emotional pain experienced from having a physical disability, among other life challenges. It sadly took until my early forties to begin understanding the destruction of my hidden sexual life. The world of pornography and sexual fantasy, making it impossible to live as an emotionally stable individual. I have eradicated pornographic videos and images from my life. Having lived without them for over three years, to this point. However, the sexual fantasizing inside my imagination, along with the acts of self-gratification, continue to challenge my emotional discipline. Eliminating this aspect of the equation has been the most challenging. As the self-gratification piece of the puzzle was there long before my struggle with pornography arrived. Working against this part of my addiction has been a stepping down process. One I have decided to track on my personal calendar by denoting the days I have slipped with two letters. The days I manage to stay clear of the negative habit are indicated with a Christmas tree icon. I’m trying to build a tree farm inside of each month. On the final day of each month, I write the number of days I have slipped.
My first goal in the process was creating a baseline. During the first year, my main focus was staying away from any kind of pornography. Giving myself somewhat of a pass on the number of days, self-gratification took place. As I understood from the research, watching pornographic images was my largest challenge, inside the addiction. Viewing the images was the most destructive thing I was doing to my brain, and therefore, my emotions. At the end of my first year without pornography, I took stock of my battle. The number of days resulting in self-gratification was still elevated, beyond what would be positive. Even though it was still down from the number I had been incurring for most of my life. Which was acting out episodes of self-gratification nearly every day. Following my year of staying away from pornography and cutting back my days of self-gratification by what felt like a large number. I felt the encouragement, to feel like I had a chance against my addiction. Even with my number of self-gratification days remaining well above one hundred, I was feeling proud. From the moment I added up that number, from the year. I desired information to place some context around my total of 115. In finding context, my pride over the original number, took a nosedive. There were two parts of the information that rang loudly. The first part hit softer than the second. The first was understanding that having sexual dysfunction meant, having a habit of self-gratification between two and seven times per week. The second was, in order to reach true healing from a chronic self-gratification habit, which was my category, I would probably need to stop completely.
Well, at least I had the information, you could say. Yeah, but aspects of it felt terribly concerning. Totally giving up my habit of self-gratification, truly felt impossible. Even sitting in that moment, after watching a YouTube video with the information, I believed cutting down to once a week, felt far-fetched. Getting my self-gratification number to under once a week would mean bettering my first-year number, by more than half. With the effort my first year of the challenge had taken, the goal of sexual health felt outlandishly unrealistic. I didn’t know where the strength would come from. Looking back on those moments today, even with the self-doubt I felt, there remained internal resolve. I didn’t want this dysfunction to continue upsetting my life. I needed a better plan to help move my healing forward. Back then, I didn’t have the concept of rewarding myself with something, following every successful day. I would only mark the days when I had messed up with self-gratification. It wasn’t until a conversation with the psychologist, who encouraged me to seek a system, which included rewarding my positive behavior. He thought of using a green check mark for the days of success. I took in his opinion, as I walked out of the session. My thinking was to find something more meaningful to my life. A symbol that would bring a stronger impact when looking at it, on my daily calendar. When flipping through the icons on my iPad, I came across a Christmas tree, with lights on its branches. The Christmas tree icon struck me, an image that could be a positive marker for my clean days. Symbolizing my Christian faith, along with reminding me of the season that provides the most warmth and hope. That suggestion by the psychologist and my execution of the concept, seemed to propel my healing process, even further.
Now, I had a tangible tool helping me along the journey. A means for conditioning my daily thoughts into positivity. Instead of looking at an empty box, to indicate a day of being clean, I would see the icon of a lit Christmas tree. The daily sight if something holding positive thoughts, pushed me forward along the challenging journey. The impact of such a seemingly small reward was mind boggling. My success along the recovery path seemed to improve overnight. The tangibility of the tree providing something for me to strive toward each day. Allowed me to free up something in my mind, putting longer streaks together of clean consecutive days. The Christmas tree concept didn’t come until somewhere inside the second year of my challenge. Probably not until the psychologist felt like I was taking my healing more seriously. Even with the added tool of some positive conditioning, my second year didn’t yield the health I would have liked. However, the number of self-gratification day fell significantly, into the eighties. The large reduction from 115 told me of some hope. It was the number that would indicate sexual health, that number had to be somewhere under 52. Having the number drop by more than 20 showed me, I could probably accomplish moving under once per week. For the first time, it felt like sexual health was achievable. All I had to do was continue reducing my number of days.
The taste of success sent me on an even more focused mission. I remember believing it was going to be challenging, but also thinking getting under once per week, could be done. All my numbers from the prior years were written down on paper. Each month having its total scratched out in a column. I needed to better each month, in order to reach the first goal of sexual health. The goal was reach in the attempt of my third year. Moving from my number in the eighties down to a total of 47 days of self-gratification. The leap in discipline continued from the first year to the second. Then, it happened again, from the second year to the third. A major highlight of mine, amid my lifechanging second year, was the month of July. In the middle of the summer 2023 I achieved a month with just two days of slipping into self-gratification behavior. Most other months during that third year were in the range of four days. A few went a little higher and a couple months recorded just three. But that July month with only two, was another huge sign, a piece of motivation. My emotions were continuing to make large strides toward maturity. The impulsive leading me toward sexual dysfunction was really starting to give way and I could see a faint light starting to shine through. July was and is the fourth month of my recovery calendar, which begins each year in April. Experiencing the emotion of achieving that small number in just my fourth month. It gave me the belief that this could be the year to break the mark. When the middle of March came around and I realized the goal of reaching sexual health for the year, had been achieved, my tears started to flow. Over a goal I didn’t know could be realized.
The most important concept I have learned throughout this journey of recovery has been to keep going. Once a goal becomes achieved that didn’t feel possible, set another goal. Keep pushing, it helps keep your mind occupied and helps the brain achieve even better clarity. I knew after such a fulfilling result in the third year, my fourth wasn’t going to exceed that accomplishment. My total number wasn’t going to fall as heavily, as it had done in each of the first three years. Still, I wanted to make some kind of improvements beyond last year. At least reducing my total number below the 47 days I was so proud to hit. Because I realize how profound reducing the occurrences of self-gratification can be. How it has greatly reduced my battle with anger and removed my episodes of rage. Being clean more often has improved my skills in judgment and bettered my connections with others. My brain can be felt going through a healing process and I want that to further itself. As I moved into the summer months, I was on the right track. Continuing to reduce the number of self-gratification days inside each month. As my year began anew in April, I knew it would take a strong commitment to improve on a lifechanging year. I started out of the gates by matching the awesome number from the previous July. Two of my first three months resulted in the discipline of only two days of self-gratification. Then, it happened again, it the middle of a warm Washington summer.
The reason for positivity happening in the middle of the summer, feels beyond my understanding. I always think it’s going to be my loneliest feeling time of the year. But that belief has shown itself to be false. This July, ending just a couple weeks ago. I reached a goal that didn’t even feel on my radar. Moving me closer to the ultimate goal of completing 30 days of being totally clean. In the month of July, I only experienced one day of self-gratification. The day happened right in the middle of the month, on the fourteenth. I still can’t believe that happened, just last month. The feat provides me with even more motivation. Another step toward improving my mental health. Showing the brightness of what a future can be if I continue along this healing path. I wanted to share these happenings because of the darkness I felt four years ago. The darkness I lived inside beginning during my junior high school years. My darkness felt inescapable, and I thought the sexual dysfunction wasn’t the problem. I believed my emotional problems in life were the result of having cerebral palsy. Pornography and self-gratification were helping me deal with the emotional struggles of being disabled. It was my escape, I thought it was helping me cope, not hurting my ability to find meaning in life. Because I believed with cerebral palsy, there could be no fulfillment in life. My healing journey has taught me otherwise. I needed to start healing a brain that was being destroyed by my actions. It was the only way to improve my emotional well being and create the opportunity to be happy.
A Journey With Cerebral Palsy 