A Journey With Cerebral Palsy

The ability to hold a container is probably something you don’t spend time thinking about. When looking for a drink to quench thirst. The container that drink comes in probably doesn’t matter much. With cerebral palsy, it feels pretty clear, the world wasn’t created for me to move through easily. Most everything people come into contact with was designed for the typically developed. Those individuals who are not hampered with any kind of physical ailment. Being impacted by a physical disability means some things are easier to interact with than others. For my specific degree of cerebral palsy, navigating a drink has been high on the list of challenges. Leaving me inside situations where drinking hasn’t felt plausible. I have been to family dinners or functions with friends, where I made a decision before going, that I wouldn’t have anything to drink. Whatever glass was set at my position, simply would go untouched. I just felt like it wasn’t worth the risk to even attempt taking a sip. Figuring there was a high likelihood that trying to take a drink would end in a spill. Which could turn into some kind of spectacle, interrupting a nice dinner. I never wanted to have the challenges with my disability cause such an interruption. It always seemed better to do my best just eating the meal. 

The emotions inside of a bar can feel even more crippling. Guys drink beer, or that has been the experience around my circles. They walk into a bar and head right for the counter. Looking around at the taps that indicate the choices of beer. A glass appears and is filled to the rim with some kind of colored liquid. Whether the person selected a dark or light beer. The full glass is grasp with one hand and either sipped, or simply walked to a seat. Every time I watch this bar room ritual play out, I’m struck with shock and awe. Knowing what I just saw is something I will never get to experience. When I walk into a bar, I feel forced to ignore the taps along the counter. Not feeling the freedom to peruse the choices of beer. Sure, I might be able to order a glass of beer. Having a friend carry it back to the table, but it would probably sit full. Just looking at a full glass of beer causes me intimidation. Maybe I could grab a straw from the bar, as I followed a buddy back to the table. Drinking the full glass of beer with a straw. That would most likely leave me feeling awkward and different. Compounding the emotions, I’m already feeling by the inability to order and drink a beer, like my friends. It was too challenging for me to find the courage, so I would order a mixed drink with ice. A drink I had a chance to balance that came with a straw. 

There has been heartbreak in wanting to be like everyone else. Being able to function inside of a world built for me, instead of feeling like it’s built against my circumstance. I always wondered why I could not carry that full glass of beer across the bar. What was it about my cerebral palsy, making that easy looking task, out of the question? Was there weakness in my arm, forearm, wrist, or hand, that simply could not be overcome? I remember one day, not too long ago, stumbling onto something that provided me, with a sort of answer. The moment came when filling up my water bottle at the fridge. After the water level rose to the top, I pulled the bottle out from under the dispenser. When trying to balance the full bottle, as I moved it to be set on the counter. I noticed my right hand, which was the only hand on the water bottle, couldn’t hold it balanced. My right wrist was naturally tilted downward. Meaning the opening of the bottle was slanted to the left, causing water to leak from the top. Noticing this abnormality for the first time, I used my left hand to support the full bottle. Holding it against the top, which leveled out the water bottle, allowing it to arrive safely on the counter. I placed the straw inside the bottle and fastened down the lid. Walking away I thought, this same thing must happen with my right wrist, each time I hold onto a cup or bottle. The sad thing is, it’s only been in the last few years, I have really noticed this tendency of mine. 

Through all my years of struggling with the balancing of a drink. I never thought of my left hand as having the ability to help. The left side of my body has always been the side most impacted by my disability. Leaving me to walk through life with the belief that if my right hand couldn’t take on much of a task, the task was unlikely to be accomplished. Because the trembling and instability in my left hand, felt like it far exceeded that of my right. This belief has only been part of why I shy away from using both my hands when balancing a drink. The other would be my desire to be like other people. Trying to save myself from the perceived embarrassment of looking like a child. Many times, I was able to drink out of cups or glasses, like any able-bodied person. I had learned how to make modifications, to achieve this goal. Drinking out of anything with a lid and straw, was not problem. Any kind of can was similar, because a can also had a lid, with a small opening for sipping. When it came to using a glass, anything with cubes of ice could be balanced. Along with taking precautions not to fill the glass to the very top. In each of these situations, I could manage the drinking with my most stable, right hand. However, sometimes things just got too full, or nervous energy increased the trembling, even in my right hand. 

I developed a tactic to use in restaurants, from a young age. My first has been to always order something that comes with ice. The default has often been to order a soda, when going out to eat. History has shown me, I can be assured that a Coke will come in a glass with ice, and a straw. Another drink I have found to arrive in the same manner has been a lemonade. A strawberry lemonade has become my new go-to drink, after making the choice to work on giving up soda. When the drink arrives in ice, with a straw. The drink usually fills up the glass, to the brim. Making it appear impossible for me to lift with my right hand, without causing some kind of spill. To avoid the possibility of that kind of embarrassment, I have developed a way around picking up the glass, at all. If you have eaten a meal with me, in a restaurant, I can almost guarantee you have seen this done. I slide the drink across the table, usually to the right-hand side, moving it close enough to my person. Enabling me to lean over slightly and use the straw to take a sip from my drink. When done, I might slide the glass away, until I’m ready for another sip. When the food arrives, I have almost always planned out, in my mind. Keeping the drink in the upper right corner, hoping there will be room to slide my drink, along the right side of the plate. If the table is small, I can usually snug my glass close enough to the right side of my plate to sip the drink. Most often, I will go through an entire restaurant meal, without the glass being lifted off the table. 

In some of these situations, there might have been a better solution. Even with the instability in both my hands. I honestly didn’t think about using my left hand to help stabilize a drink, until I used it with my water bottle. The left hand coming in to help balance out the left side of my water bottle felt like such a natural reaction. I was simply noticing as I pulled the water bottle away from the fridge, it was slightly tipping over due to the angle of my right hand. Almost immediately, the left hand pushed the water bottle, and my right hand, back into a more level place. Saving the water from spilling out of the bottle. During adulthood, I think the first time I used two hands when taking a drink was with a Coke bottle. I recall being at a college football game and feeling packed in with a large crowd. Of course, with any sporting event, loud noises are routinely part of the experience. One of the challenges for me, is loud noises often startle me, making it appear like I’m going to jump out of my skin. A startle from a loud noise, when I’m trying to balance a drink, could easily lead to a spill. The third factor at the college game was the temperature, with a cold night, also leaving me feeling rigid and unsteady. All these factors in concert led to a feeling of needing more support in balancing my bottle of Coke, to take a sip. 

Placing the factors together inside my mind felt overwhelming. I thought about handling this situation in a similar fashion to ways I’ve handled things before. Being worried over taking a drink at family gatherings, or at formal dinners. I could have left my bottle of Coke sitting in its cup holder. Taking the soda home with me following the game and drinking the Coke in a more comfortable environment. But that wouldn’t have been a positive solution, and I was thirsty. So, I remembered how helpful my left hand had been with the water bottle, when I didn’t think it could have been. I twisted the cap off the Coke bottle and placed both my hands on the plastic container. Placing my right hand around the top section of the bottle. My right being the more stable, to guide the Coke bottle to my mouth. While my left held near the bottom to provide security to the hold. I chose a point during the game when I thought sudden noise would be less likely and I went to take a drink. I felt silly pulling the two-handed maneuver in the setting but felt it to be my only option for a secure drink of pop. Having two hands on the bottle of Coke worked well, that night. Even with the feelings of embarrassment over being different from others. I took drink after drink of my bottle of Coke. Using the same method during the future college football games attended. I had stumbled upon something that might work. 

Drinking with two hands really hadn’t been necessary as of late. Sure, I was still using the left hand to support my full water bottle. Almost every time I pull the bottle away from the fridge, my left hand pushes the top of the bottle back to being level. The move has basically become a natural reaction, at this point. Until a couple weeks ago, I hadn’t needed my left hand in supporting a beverage. What changed, you might be wondering. Well, my hydration levels had been suffering, because of challenging work out sessions. Instead of starting to drink Gatorade, like I had in the past, when things like this have popped up. I fell into the trap of a marketing campaign. While watching the NHL playoffs, I saw advertising for the BodyArmor drink, everywhere. I ended up wanting to try the drink and bought a few. The challenge was the bottles are full to the absolute top. Making it impossible for me to balance using only my right hand, I needed the left. Like the challenges of balancing the full water bottle and drinking from my Coke bottle at the football game. When I opened the BodyArmor drink, I could see the liquid at brim level. In order to problem solve, I placed both hands on the container, and lowered my head to get closer. The drink was raised with solid balance, and I took my first sip. Placing it safely back on the counter without a spill. Since that moment, I have made the BodyArmor drinks a part of my diet. Each time, beginning with the two-handed drinking method until the bottle is half empty. Having started drinking the athletic drink that required my use of both hands, helped me when I was faced with the challenge of drinking the mocha on the homeward bound ferry boat. 

I probably would have experienced more anxious moments on the ferry home. Possibly, choosing to drink something else with my dinner. But something inside reminded me, I could handle the mocha in the glass container. Drinking the coffee would require the use of two hands. Especially, with the instability of being aboard a ferry boat. The years of practicing with the two-handed drinking method had prepared me, not just physically, but emotionally. I had already practiced the emotions of managing my feelings of embarrassment. The learning came when drinking my bottle of Coke with two hands, at the college football games. Having been through that experience, I was confident enough to understand that I could drink the mocha with two hands, worrying less about what people around me thought. I also knew my left hand wasn’t going to let me down. It would show up stable in support of me drinking from the glass container. The everyday support of my left hand when moving my full water bottle away from the fridge, and more recently, using the two-handed drinking method with the BodyArmor bottles. All the experience left me ready to manage drinking whatever I chose, on the ferry boat. The two-handed drinking method was something I wouldn’t consider for years. I wanted so badly to look like the people around me, doing anything I could, to make that happen. Even if it meant ordering a drink that I wound up not being able to touch. Until one night at a college football game, I said the heck with it, and grabbed the bottle of Coke like a child would. The uncomfortable feeling of being different arrived at the same time, but that emotion was overridden because using two hands made life easier. That moment made my cerebral palsy just a little more comfortable and I have been using the two-handed method were needed, ever since.