A Journey With Cerebral Palsy

There often seems to be anxiety when going to see the doctor. A couple weeks ago, I experienced this anxiety. Being sent to a consultation, with the possibility of being screened for cancer. It was a frightening reality to think I have arrived at the age of needing to be screened. Come to find out that it wasn’t necessary, yet. The appointment was more productive for me, than just learning I had another couple years, before the screening. One of the worrisome things about going to meet with any new doctor has always been the first appointment. With my cerebral palsy, the idea of filling out the paperwork has always been a concern. Filling out any kind of form feels as though it takes so long. Especially, when there isn’t a desk to use. The person at the front counter hands over a clipboard holding sheets of white paper. Usually, asking for my name and address, along with an assortment of other questions. Not only does it take time to fill in the spaces, but I also question the legibility I can achieve, in the situation. For this reason, I often hope for someone to come along with me, in case of running into pages of paperwork. Even at my age of 43, my mom has been more than willing to come along. This time, there happened to be a scheduling conflict. I was trying to be strong and hoping it would turn out positively. 

I feel a kind of loneliness when walking into an unfamiliar waiting room. With all the physical obligations, historically attached to visiting the doctor. It might be true, that in a situation like this one, when given a stack of paperwork to fill out, I could request assistance. With the stubbornness and want for an elusive feeling of independence. I’ve always wanted to tackle the challenges that seem possible to achieve. Even with the anxiety of filling out the paperwork. Or the concern over being able to write with legibility. The idea of asking for help over something I could theoretically handle, feels awkward. Leaving me with the instinct of gutting it out and doing my best, in the situation. Luckily, these kinds of situations haven’t presented themselves often, in my life. The paperwork I have been encountered with, while on my own, usually involves small amounts of information. Trying to have someone there to help when the situation most likely will call for it, has saved me from circumstances that could have become overwhelming. This doctor appointment had the feeling of questionability, when it came to the paperwork question. Even before the appointment, I received electronic questions to complete. Texting me a link to answer online and submit the answers. Leaving me to feel that even though I wouldn’t have help, there might not be paperwork. 

The no paperwork scenario of a doctor happened to me, just months prior. I was met with the situation of needing to switch my doctor. Mine had retired after caring for me, all my adult life. In the process of tracking down a new doctor. I found one in the town where I live, just down the hill from home. Being in such proximity, I had the opportunity to walk into the clinic, making an appointment with a new doctor. When standing there and setting up the appointment, the same paperwork complication, came to mind. Prompting me to ask if I could take any paperwork with me, returning it after filling out the questions. To my great surprise, the individual informed me that there were only a few quick questions. Normally, they get taken care of at the time of the appointment, but we could handle them, if I could spare a few moments. Sitting on the counter in front of me, was a signature pad. The only paperwork needing to be accomplished was a couple signatures, after my information had been entered by the individual behind the counter. Which, I had given verbally. She ran me through a few quick pages of health documents, which I was to sign off on, and we were done with any paperwork. When arriving for my appointment, months later, there was no paperwork to be found. Recalling this experience, left me feeling like I might be okay during the recent screening. Even though it was a different doctor and location. 

This visit to the doctor pointed out the advantage of living in the computer age. The age of smart phones, laptop computers, and tablets. All these new forms of electronics have come into mainstream culture during my lifetime. Helping with many of the physical challenges brought about by my disability. With cerebral palsy taking its toll on my ability to write. The exercise of filling out paperwork can be overwhelming. Having to write on lines that might not provide enough space. The concern over the readability of my penmanship, as my handwriting has been referred to as chicken scratch. The quality of my writing doesn’t even feel like the most complicating factor of filling out paperwork. The hardest part is finding a stable place to do the writing. Even a desk doesn’t feel supportive enough, at times. To position my forearm and wrist in a place where stability is being felt. Where I can find the comfort to make the short, quick motions, with a physically hampered wrist and hand. Required to write any kind of word, or group of words. The idea of trying to scratch out all the small lines that make up words, while making do with a flimsy clipboard. Even the thought brings about feelings of anxiety. To top it all off, the sheets of paper would go to a doctor. Where the importance of writing legibly would seem important. Which for me, would seem almost impossible, on a sheet of paper. 

All these feelings of anxiety ran through my mind. I thought there would be a limitation of paperwork, but I couldn’t be totally sure. My thought based on the early interactions with the office. The emails and text message prompting me to fill out some questions, gave an indication that everything might be handled electronically. The office let me know at the time of scheduling to arrive thirty minutes before the appointment. Leaving me with the impression, there would be some kind of information to provide. I considered showing up for my appointment even earlier than the half-hour suggestion, but something told me, I would probably be okay. Walking into a large waiting area, I walked toward a reception desk with no line. Nervous energy could be felt throughout my body, as the moment of truth was here. I let them know my name and time of the appointment. Which just happened to be in thirty minutes. The woman behand the counter reached to her side. As she raised her arm into my view, panic or relief was going to be my next emotion. I saw the tablet come up onto the counter, from places I could not see. The feeling was relief, probably causing a smile to make her wonder about my sanity. “it’s just a tablet,” she might have thought. Never realizing it felt more like a Christmas present, in July.

There was a feeling the appointment would be doable. An emotion of excitement in a world that felt like it was changing. Technology was making someone like me feel more independent in a public setting. I received the tablet from her and turned back toward the open waiting room. There weren’t many people sitting in the expansive space. The room had a multitude of empty chairs available. There wasn’t going to be any kind of crowded in feeling, as I worked through my questions. I found an empty two-seated chair to spread out and got started with the tablet. The usage was easier than I could have thought. Clicking my way through each of the sections. A keyboard popped up on the screen for me to easily enter personal information. The few signatures being requested were easily satisfied by using my finger, as the pen. Feeling no need to write my name legibly, I simply scribbled inside the box. The remaining sections were filled with yes/no questions. Requiring me to tap the bubble, to indicate my answer for each question. The process for filling out information for the doctor was the easiest I had ever experienced. Never did I experience the feeling of being overwhelmed, when working through the questions. Like in the past, if these questions would have been presented on paper, the experience would have been a different story. The visit felt like another step toward independence. 

It will be another two years before returning to that clinic. Time, I hope to spend productively in pursuit of a purposeful life. The appointment last week brought peace on many levels. The first being the kindness I found in each of my interactions. From the people at the front desk, all the way through to meeting with the doctor. Each connection had me feeling at ease, inside of a situation that could have been filled with uncertainty. For me, the tone of comfort was set right away, with the use of the tablet. Providing me the ability to set aside cerebral palsy and how it could impact the appointment. The tablet was in the shape of a rectangle. It had a thick padding on the back, making it easy to handle. Clicking through and answering the questions was the easiest filling out of information, I had ever experienced. Especially, in a situation which could have been anxiety provoking. I will be the first to admit my hesitation toward new technology. As a creature of habit, I like the consistence of things that are familiar. Especially, with my cerebral palsy. When things remain the same, I have a better chance of becoming proficient in the use. So, I hesitate with the changing of a formula. This change was one I could point to, as being positive for my challenges. The handing over of the tablet, left me feeling more included in the world. Like an adult who could comfortably attend a doctor’s appointment. My hope would be for these tablets to replace more and more clipboards full of paper forms.