I would have to say, the effort given in this accomplishment has been different. It took an entire year of concentration to reach the goal. During the morning hours of the final week of March was the moment my tears began to flow. They came at an uncontrollable pace, as I looked at my personal calendar. Calculating the days left in my year, which in this case, begins and ends with the first day in April. I have been doing well walking the path of overcoming a debilitating habit of watching pornography. In order to reach a level of sexual health, getting through that habit felt like an important step. On April 3rd of this year, I have totaled three years of abstaining from watching pornographic videos. However, there is another piece to the puzzle of reaching for a healthier view of sexuality. The step I’m referring to is the reduction of the habit of masturbation. Using sexually fantasies created inside my head to achieve immediate gratification, which I had been doing chronically since Junior High. In my ongoing research, I have done throughout this journey. I found completely stopping my porn habit was imperative, as even simply watching two videos, or two sittings of watching videos, begins to alter the brain. On the other side of the addictive behavior, even with the absence of pornography, the habit of masturbation needed to be reduced to under once per week. I remember when this journey of healing began wondering how in the world, I would achieve that goal.
It felt like I lived my world in a state of fantasy. Feeling unworthy of real female connection because of my disability. The emotion of dissatisfaction with my life seemed to increase with age. My self-esteem hitting its lowest point just months after my completion of college. Followed closely by the ramping up of my habitual use of pornography. From there, the use remained at an uncomfortable frequency for years. I tried halting my use of pornography before, making it just over a year, before the habit kicked back up, again. The difference then was, that journey took place without trying to curb my self-gratification habit. Which, probably meant trying to just break the pornography habit was doomed to fail. When my habit picked up again it had me feeling like a failure. The pornography habit went on for another couple years. Before I got to a place where I wanted to take on the challenge of ending both habits. I always felt like stopping the viewing of pornographic images would be the easier of the two. Both because the porn habit had really started later in my life and because of the abstinence streak I had already experienced. Bringing the habit of masturbation to a conclusion, I knew, would be a far bigger challenge. But, I also felt it might carry the bigger impact. So, I decided to start out on the journey of ending both negative addictions.
Like I have mentioned, ending the watching of pornographic images was the easier habit to remove myself from. Through some research on the topic, I found recovery was going to mean, remaining clean for 1-3 years. As of April 3rd, of this year, that window of time has been successfully crossed. However, I have a difficult time feeling like I will ever be totally healed. Believing that remaining disciplined in the process of keeping free of that darkness remains important for my mental health. Still, it remains an extremely positive achievement in my life and part of the reason for my emotional response. As I neared these two important dates of my life. The larger of the two tests was minimizing my self-gratification habit. Which, I originally began wrestling with just before quitting the pornography. I didn’t however, start taking either addiction seriously until working on them as a package. In my journey, it feels like working on one, makes the other easier to quit. I knew, if I couldn’t stop the pornography usage, I would have no chance in lessening the self-gratification. For the simple reason, I would find reasons to achieve self-gratification, with or without the use of pornographic images. So, the journey had to start towards ending the destructive impact these negative habits were having on my life. I started by figuring out guidelines I would use along the journey. Coming up with tools to help me along the path.
There were a couple important tools I used especially in the beginning. Mostly to help me get through the 1st 90 days, which I had learned to be the most crucial in getting over a negative habit. I implemented things like trying to read for an hour each day and because I knew giving up pornographic images was most important. I occupied my mind by driving an hour and a half each week to play golf. Making a trip of three hours driving and four hours of golf in one afternoon, each week. Because, my journey to quit began in the spring, I could use the golf day to occupy an entire afternoon once per week until late into the fall. That would get me well past ninety days of avoiding dirty videos on the computer. With the golfing once per week, I could waste away an entire afternoon, when in the throes of the addiction. Sitting here three years later I can tell you the plan worked. It got me out of the house for an entire afternoon and evening, once per week. Provided me the ability to clear my head with a long drive and an empty golf course. it also brought extraordinary peace to my soul, which had been suffering the chaos of addiction. Along with providing something for me to look forward to each week. I had made a silent promise to myself that if I slipped up and watched pornography, I wouldn’t be allowed the afternoon of golf, anymore. Creating the reward of that afternoon, kept me focused from April until late September. By then, I had moved through some of the most vulnerable days of getting past this crucial part of my negative habit. I was off to the races. The following summer I tried to implement the same routine, but found it wasn’t needed. I had moved through that stage of my journey.
When looking at the goal of reducing the other aspect of this journey. My feeling was ending the addiction to self-gratification entirely, was a steep hill to climb. Especially, when the act of self-gratification for years, had become an almost daily occurrence. I would say even without the usage of videos or images my self-gratification habit was occurring over 320 days per years. That number of self-gratification days per year, had probably gone on for about 25 years. It was going to be by far the biggest hill to climb, inside my emotions. I felt as though the result would have a much greater impact on my life, than giving up pornography, alone. When I added the challenge of reducing self-gratification, I thought to mark down the days in which I took part in the act. By my own rules, it didn’t matter how many times it occurred on that particular day, usually once or twice, I would mark them down on the calendar. At the end of each month, I would write the number of days on the final day of the month. During the first year of 2021, I was looking to gather a baseline to start from. Of course, I was attempting to minimize the days of self-gratification to the best of my ability, but I had no clue about the overall total. It turned out during that first year of calculating, I hit 115 days. The number gave me an idea of where I was and a place to start from. My feeling was, I had done good work in reducing down from the 300 days area. But, the sadness hit, realizing it was a long way from touching a healthy number.
With some basic information from trying to reduce my self-gratification for one year, I set a goal. The goal wasn’t going to be achieving the once per week plateau to achieve some resemblance of healthy functionality. I simply set out to reduce my number of days, during the second year. Along with the most important task of remaining away from pornography. The first year of this journey was challenging. Leading me to wonder about the possibilities of reducing the overall number. My second year of the abstinence journey of 2023 was the one providing me the most confidence in my ability to succeed. My number of days for the second year came down from 115 days to 85 days. I remember tallying them up in the first week of April 2023. Thinking to myself how much it felt like a large improvement. Especially, reflecting on how challenging it was to get 115 days in the first year. The emotion didn’t carry me to huge feelings of achievement. Though it was a big step for my life and struggles with sexual dysfunction, there was still a big step ahead. In order to push myself forward into a healthier view of sexuality, the number needed to be lowered under 52 days in a year. But, lowering it 30 days in a single year was certainly an achievement, and gave me confidence to propel me into the next year.
April of 2023 got my year off to an amazing start. Containing one of my favorite weeks of the year, Masters week, which helped start my journey in the first place. There was also a planned ski trip in the later part of the month. I wanted to be as clear minded for the trip as possible, which has often been easier said than done. However, this time I came through on my promise to myself. Heading into the ski vacation, working on one of the most successful months on the journey. In the end, the number for April totaled 3 days, the smallest number to that point of the journey. I found myself feeling better about my journey when that month ended, then I ever had previously. April gave me the encouragement I needed to shoot for the stars. The goal for 2023 changed from simply trying to reduce my number even further. I wanted to try getting under the daunting number of 52 and achieve some sexual health. As I calculated out the strategy, I found that if I could average four days per month, it would get me to the overall number. Looking over the numbers written down from 2022, some months looked like they would be more challenging. It felt like the months with the higher number of days were going to present more difficulty. Leading me to feel like those times of the year might be emotionally challenging times, for whatever reason. So, I paid special attention to those months and tried to really focus during the months with higher numbers, from the previous year.
I feel like having the numbers written down from the previous year was a big help along my path. Enabling me to look at the year as a whole and prepare for the times of added challenge. Maybe, increasing my focus on staying busy with positive outlets to carry me through those months. As the year started to unfold, I found myself achieving the goal of the four-day average per month. In the first six months, I only surpassed my target number in one months, reaching the total of six days. While, achieving more months with a number falling under the target of four. I could feel the belief in myself slowly rise over time, as my brain was starting to heal from years of dysfunctional thinking patterns. The anger and frustration inside began easing and my outburst became almost nonexistent. There were significant signs of the positive impact this journey was having on myself and my world. The strongest month of the year turned out to be July, when I recorded just two days. The worst of the months didn’t see a number of days going beyond six, which happened just twice. With all the positivity mounting, I knew the first three months of 2024 would be critical to reaching my goal. I really needed to focus, because the last thing I wanted was for the finish line to slip through my grasp. My journey had gotten to a point where it would have been heartbreaking to start over.
There were a couple things working to my advantage in the first few months of this year. There was a vacation planned in the middle of January, which would occupy ten days of the month. Historically, I have been able to rely on being away from home, as a tool, where staying away from self-gratification, happens more easily. I was also planning on wanting to go into the vacation as clear minded as possible, giving me a reason to make a real effort to stay clean. I made it through January hitting the target of four days. February would be next on the goal sheet, where I would have more things in mind to help reach the goal. The middle of February contained my birthday. Where I would get to hear from people, I don’t always remain connected to, and I wanted those interactions to be positive, meaning trying to have a clear head. February would also bring the bulk of my ski season, to keep my mind occupied. I always want to head up to the mountain feeling strong, without the distraction of brain fog from the act of fantasy and self-gratification. The desire of having good days on the slopes and making positive connections around my birthday, kept me solidly focused in February. I came through the months one day under my target average, recording just three days. Moving me through the first two months of the year with just seven total days. I was feeling happy with my focus, as I came to the end of my year. Dealing with the pressure of nearing my goal by imploring some helpful tools. Still, I felt like March would be the steepest climb.
It feels more challenging to understand how I survived the month of March. Looking back at the numbers from the previous year. March was always going to be the most difficult month on the calendar of my journey. Last year, the final month had a total of eleven days, making it look like the most emotion filled month of my year. I knew it would be imperative to go into the month with total focus on my goal. There were some things I thought would make it a bit challenging. March is the time of year skiing begins to fade, where I live. Meaning the motivation of continuing to ski well, was going to disappear. Skiing being something I have grown to enjoy so much and has helped tremendously with helping me remain on track inside this journey. I would have to make a better adjustment to the end of ski season this year. Then, being a lover of sports, March is one of the months of the year when a lot of sports are happening, which can lead to overwhelming emotions for me, so trying to manage my excitement was going to be important. The final test felt like the moving into spring time, when we move the clocks ahead, and experience more daylight. It’s supposed to be a happy time of year, but it can carry sad feelings of loneliness for me, wishing I was more social and out having fun. All of these things felt like they were going to mount and I wanted to be ready to guard against feeling empty. Which, could lead to melting down and back into the addiction. I knew there needed to be at least five days cut from last year’s total, for the month March.
The challenge was set before me to complete the year. For the first few weeks of March, I still had the opportunity to ski. Putting that opportunity to good use I continued skiing twice per week for the first two weeks of March. The plan worked well for those first two weeks, mostly keeping me away from the self-gratifying habit. I found myself running into some trouble during that first week after I put away the skis. Experiencing some withdrawal, I experience two days in that week of slipping into self-gratification. When I rebounded with a streak of clean-living days, I sat down with my calendar. It was the final week of March and I took out my calculator. In doing some thoughtful calculations. I found that I had reached a day where my long-standing goal had been achieved. Even if I were to slip up each of the remaining days in March the goal would still be reached. I had gotten to the point where my number of days slipping into self-gratification for the year, would be less than the number of weeks in the year. Sitting in my room, in the early morning darkness. I went over the calculation twice more before the tears began to fall. Those tears of happiness would fill my eyes for much of the morning hours. I have been proud of other accomplishments before, like my admission letter to Oregon State, or my ability to receive a college diploma. But I think this has been the only one to fill me with such emotion. As I totaled 47 days for the year.
I wanted to bring peace into my life and into the lives of the people inside my world. Without knowing if taking on my struggles with sexual dysfunction would be the answer. It had become the last and most challenging thing for me to take on. For years, I didn’t think my fantasizing was the problem inside my life. Not believing it could be the biggest reason for my volatile mood and struggles with anger. But, after committing to the journey, my small amount of research painted the picture of a large mental health problem. The impact I found my lifestyle to be having on my brain and therefore my personality, sounded astounding. Through my journey, I have slowly experienced the healing of my brain. Something that hasn’t happened over night, but rather has slowly occurred, as a result of discipline. I have found the healing of my personality to be slow. Where, I will notice something positive one day, which wasn’t a part of my character before the journey. Someone might explain my handling of a situation has become vastly different than before. One of the changes I’m most proud of has been the large reduction in my outbursts of anger. With all of these positive changes happening as part of the journey, it still feels far from over. My goal remains to stay clear of any type of pornography and experience a year with even less days of self-gratification. This year was a huge step in trying to achieve something I have rarely experienced and the tears of joy during that last week of March, told the story.
A Journey With Cerebral Palsy 