A Journey With Cerebral Palsy

The journey of healing a negative habit can be more than giving up the habit. The most certain aspect of healing anything like an addiction has many aspects. Something I had no idea about when entering onto the path. I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but my entry was to solve singular challenges. It was the destruction of my anger on the people closest to me, mainly family. As I work into the latter parts of my second full year along the journey. Unexpected things seem to pop up with frequency. Relationships seem to be placed in a new light. Requiring them to be thought of inside a different context. With not only the removal of pornography, but the longer streaks of abstaining from sexual fantasies. The world begins to look much different than I would have ever expected. I have been told there are always consequences to the actions taken. Every move taken and decision made, causes ripples throughout a life. Some of the ripples look great in theory. But, the aftermath brings about pain that might have been unforeseen. Now, I start sifting through the pain caused by the choices I was making for years. Without the feeling of having any particular roadmap to navigate things moving in unexpected directions. I try remembering that when a negative habit gets taken from a life, only 20% of the problem gets solved. The other 80% lies in the way my habit impacted the world created around myself. There feels like so much to learn.

I wanted to escape my challenges with cerebral palsy and I felt as if a process was found. It involved feeling sorry for myself. Disappearing on a daily basis into the narcissistic bubble of sexual dysfunction. Using people in ways that are challenging to think about, whether inside an internet video, or ogling someone in a public place, for use whenever I could be alone. Everything was about finding an ability to escape the world of having a disability. It would have been challenging to make an argument to support me caring about anyone but myself. However, I didn’t think of myself in this manner. There was no way, inside of my mind, I was acting with narcissistic mannerism. I saw myself as being a really nice guy and it felt like I was being told the same. Were those definitions given to me out of a feeling of pity. Because, the secret narrative about who I actually was, seemed to involve my anger. The moments of rage that seemed to come out of nowhere. Even from my perspective, it was challenging to understand why the episodes of rage truly take place, in those moments. Not until I wanted to change my negative habit, did the sources of those frustrations, begin entering into my mind. Yes, they involved the challenges of having cerebral palsy, but feel more complicated than the disability explanation. 

It was challenging to hear my struggle with anger had been whispered about by people I thought of as friends. I wanted to blame them for spreading rumors about me, influences the thoughts of people I cared for. But, the blaming of them wasn’t going to help much of anything. The only method of separating myself from the things being whispered, was to change my life course into something more positive. The funny thing was, immediately I was almost certain, I understood where the challenge was originating. At least, I had an idea of the first place to investigate. Which, meant changing an overall behavior, I didn’t have a large appetite for changing. The sexual fantasizing aspect of my life was the portion causing me the most shame. I had suspected that fact for many years. But, justified it with the thought of no female wanting to become close to me, with my disability. There would have been plenty of ways to refute the line of thinking, of which I didn’t want to listen. My narcissistic bubble was comfortably serving its purpose, numbing me out, and keeping me in a world of selfish denial. But, the raging and whispers around my instability, were a problem. I dreamt of being a solid guy. One who could be relied upon for stability. It had become apparent, that picture of myself was far from reality.

When the jolt of learning a negative and embarrassing aspect of my reputation took place. I didn’t go to work on investigating my behavior, immediately. It took another few months of battling with denial, for the harsh reality to finally settle. The only way through, would be working to make changes. The blaming of those who seemingly liked to talk wasn’t going to help the situation. While, walking around trying to make myself into their victim would only make things worse. I had to look deep inside and understand the things being said weren’t wrong. The pain of learning the narrative about me was extremely painful, which was probably the reason for denial. It wasn’t long after learning of all the negative chatter that the pandemic hit. For me, the pandemic forced a self-reflection leading me to change the direction of my life. The path of healing my negative sexual behaviors truly took flight during those months. Thankfully, my recovering journey didn’t stop when we started pulling out of the pandemic. It has continued in full force. The challenge encircling my brain recently, has been what to do about those past relationships? The ones who decided gossiping about me seemed much more advantageous than reaching out a hand to help. The question leaves me feeling lonely. Wondering if I have any friends at all. It’s the aspect of my healing journey, I didn’t anticipate coming around the corner. 

I have found there are a number of pains a negative habit can cover. Making me feel numb enough that hurts don’t bother. I continued to fight for attention from people who might not have wanted me around. Maybe, my cerebral palsy found them feeling pity for me, giving me some attention because of my desperation. Then, using those experiences to gossip about in small groups. I felt like walking my journey of healing would be me closer to people I might have hurt. For some of my relationships, this hope seems to have come to fruition. Though, for others who were in my life, the healing didn’t change much. In fact, some relationships became more distant with the change in my behavior. Leading me to believe, those might have just been in it for the laughs. Or, what they could gain for themselves by appearing to be my buddy. Like connection to other people, for example. I’ve learned facing the motivation of people I thought cared, has been challenging. Maybe, even more challenging than stopping the destructive behaviors itself. The interesting aspect of the challenge seems to be the truth of the gossip. It isn’t like the things being talked about and laughed about weren’t true. And the attempt to protect people from getting close to something with my dysfunction feels valid. But, the decision of what to do with these relationships wears on. Because, my social circle was an aspect of my destructive behavior. The gossip and eye-rolling left me feeling bad about myself, resulting in my turning back toward my poor behavior. It was a vicious cycle. 

It seems to me; an atmosphere gets created inside of social circles. The one I was involved with found me feeling desperate for acceptance. For years, not really feeling like part of the circle. But, more on the outside looking inward, hoping people wanted me around them. The self-control I might have once had, evaporated into chaos, and anger. In my life, it simply made me feel worse about myself. Turning to sexual fantasy and blaming others for not accepting me with a disability. I have learned their rejection probably had more to do with my sexual dysfunction and the resulting shame. That feeling of shame led to anger and a person who probably wasn’t pleasant to be with, socially. Having possibly little to do with my cerebral palsy challenges. As my brain got more discombobulated with fantasy, my chaotic personality became more toxic. I now feel as though a multitude of things contribute to sliding into and remaining inside an addictive like state. When the breaking free of the destructive behavior takes place, we are left with much too unpack. A topic I would not have guessed would play a part in the choices I was making. The question really seems to come down to, how much of my behavior was I allowing to be influenced by others, and what to do when the healing actually starts working.