The journey of working through a bad habit can be challenging. I know for me, keeping streaks of positive behavior alive, has been tricky. Each time I slip, frustration within myself begins to surface. Which, only seems to cause another slip, not long after the first. The facts of experiencing trouble with remaining away from self-gratification, have got me thinking about other methods. I have done well in staying free of going back into the screen. My abstaining from pornography has ticked towards the mark of two and a half years. However, the desire to slip into imagined sexual fantasy, remains. At times, folding itself into an impulsive desire for self-gratification. My plan to this point has been marking each clean day on my calendar. When the ability to abstain from self-pleasure is achieved, a Christmas tree emoji appears on my calendar. Watching my streak of consecutive days’ grow has felt fulfilling. Achieving two patches of twenty days or more, and one of eighteen, since the first of April. Yet, when another slip takes place, I lose the confidence accompanying those days in a row, I have compiled. The result becomes a plummet in self-esteem and the loss of desire to keep trying. As these instances have continued taking place, I realized a need for doing something different. Something to try mitigating the drop-in self-esteem, following a slip. I had heard the term, one day at a time, but never gave it much thought, until recently.
Instead of looking at fighting my disorder one day at a time. I was attempting to look at things from a broader viewpoint. Feeling like I hadn’t really done anything until I compiled a few Christmas trees in a row. Trying to build a tree farm on my daily calendar. I was telling myself not to feel good, until I achieved three or four days beyond my slip. Understanding from research, the first 24 to 48 hours following a self-gratifying slip were like being hung over. Learning that state, brought a lot of things into focus, about my world. For example, I spent decades of my life, without my brain reaching any kind of sobriety. If I was engaging in self-gratifying behavior every day, there was no way of understanding who I was, as a person. Always under a huge cloud of brain fog, without the ability to think clearly, or interact with freedom. Simply moving from one dopamine deluge to the next, without ever letting my brain have a break. The resulting lack of ability to think clearly was costly, through the years. Even worse was my feeling of the actions being harmless to my system. I wasn’t drinking often or getting into the drug scene, so I thought I was good. Not participating in the substances, I was watching impact other people, meant I was on the right track. I couldn’t have been further misguided about my habit.
Even when I began working on quitting my entire habit, not just the viewing of pornography. I remained in the dark about the debilitating impact of my functionality. It took time, before allowing myself to watch people speak on the subject. Even when my education began, it was challenging to view. Finding myself turning away from my computer, overwhelmed by the information presented. Something told me, even though it was challenging to watch, the information was valuable. So, I watched in little segments, as I tried extending my consecutive days of being clean. In those first days, getting much beyond five days, was impressive. The going was slow and it might have been my thinking, causing the barrier. Still, engrossed in the concept of denial. Causing the anxiety with doing research on the topic. I kept hearing how messed up I was making my life; with the habit, I couldn’t break. Eventually, I found myself doing more and more learning. Continuing my growth away from viewing pornography, while also trying to stop my fantasizing. The five-day streaks that became pretty consistent have turned into being seven-ten day streaks. The number of days in a row of remaining completely clean still jumps higher, at times. But, the days involved with my usual days of completely abstaining have become longer, as time has gone. Still, the concept of taking my journey one day at a time, has been eluding me conceptually. I needed to find my definition for the meaning. Feeling like it might unlock further steps of healing.
I have thought about the challenges in maintaining my streaks of being completely clean. After I maintained my ability to abstain from pornography for over two-years. I become excited when the streaks progress longer. As the days piled on top of one another, my feelings of self-worth increase. I wanted to find a method of making each day matter for itself. Allowing me to look at a slip with more grace, rather than allowing it to tear down the good feelings about myself. I wanted to get rid of the self-hatred I have developed over the years. My addictive habit has always turned me against myself. Even when it was occurring during my teenage years. I would make promises to God that it wouldn’t happen again. But, the following day would include another escape into my imagined fantasy. Resulting in something I didn’t like about myself, but couldn’t find a way to stop. It didn’t cross my mind to open up to anyone about my concerns over the habit. Opening up wouldn’t take place until much later in my history. I believe much of me, didn’t really want to give up the habit. It was providing an escape and making me feel better. Inside a life with cerebral palsy, that didn’t feel great, much of the times at school. Looking back, there were a lot of challenges with being different. I told myself, if I just got through the day, an escape would take me away, later. My chronic masturbation became a copying mechanism for life. A habit I continue trying to break.
The goal will always be finding the courage of taking on each day. The life many of us live gets filled with a multitude of challenges. Those daily challenges probably looking different to each individual person. Mine, with cerebral palsy, probably looks different from those of a person typically developed. The fact still seems to remain across human kind, we all face challenges. The one day at a time concept entered into my mind, when thinking about the daily challenges. I was getting these longer streaks going in this new year for me, which began in April. But, the slips were becoming even more discouraging because of the success. My last slip was particularly troublesome, because I had the safe guard of a training session, the following afternoon. When there has been something physical on my calendar for the following day. Something to look forward to has usually worked, to help with my self-gratifying habit. However, this time, the impending training session didn’t help. My self-esteem collapsed and I slipped again, a couple days later. I was in search of a new plan of action to help. The concept came into mind, to think about each day, individually. Trying not to tie my feeling better with the length of my streak. It felt like the idea would help me get back on track more quickly, following a slip. Looking at each day onto itself, instead of being one in a streak. Taking it one day at a time.
When thinking about the separation of each day. Attempting to make the first day of a streak and the twentieth day of a streak, carry similar weight. I began thinking about all the small challenges faced inside any given day. There feels like satisfaction in an ability to take on each of those challenges. Most days probably look similar for most people. They each contain the inherent routine. But, inside each of the routines, I would think are challenges. Sure, the challenge might be routine, therefore making it feel simple. But, the challenge still exists, big or small. So, I thought about concentrating on accepting the challenges of today. Working to accomplish them to the best of my ability. Trying to become more singularly focused. One of the challenges in each of my days would be refraining from slipping into fantasy. Along with the goals of writing and reading. Or, making it to whatever appointments that day might contain. The idea might help me look at overcoming my addiction one day at a time, instead of thinking about streaks. It could also make one day just as important as the next. No matter how many days I might have piled together. So, for the last week or so, I have been working on a different thought when waking up. Trying to condition my mind to think about the challenges, big and small, of my day. Then, accomplish as much as I can in the hours ahead. Hoping to rest my head at night, feeling accomplished. With a reduced desire for the chemical high of imagined fantasy and masturbation.
A Journey With Cerebral Palsy 