I had lunch with someone from a previous life. This person was around me with consistency, years prior. Somewhere inside the conversation I was referred to as being a shit show. When talking about the person they had known in the past. Somewhere in the description was the intention of a compliment. Commenting on the distance I had journeyed as an individual. It was a nice thing to be hearing. Talking about how my path of healing was starting to show in the way I conducted myself. It had almost been a full year since seeing this person. Making the words carry a little added weight. Walking away from the lunch had my mind wondering. Trying to think back upon the person I was from those years. The one who had negative behaviors occurring without recognition. Believing there wasn’t a whole lot wrong with the way I was living my life. The thought of looking back at my naïve way of living then, has been daunting. As I meet with old friends for lunches or dinners, I often walk away feeling reminded. The person I was, when those relationships were so significant, wasn’t close to being a healthy person. My actions when no one was looking, attempted to cover them with my nice guy persona. Or, at least that was the thought inside my head. I was hiding my true identity from the rest of the world.
When those words were used to describe my past personality. The picture entering into my mind was a starling image. The emotional chaos seemed well understood, even when I thought it was hidden. In the moment, I watched the description float passed me and into thin air. Not allowing it to land in my conscious thought, while at the table. There would be time to ponder the characterization long after the lunch was finished. My goal was to have an enjoyable lunch without worry over the past. My journey since meeting my lunch companion, for the first time, years ago has been long. The loss of relationships I thought would last a lifetime has been trying. Mourning the evaporation of friendships has been one of the most challenging aspects of healing. Something I would have never thought about when starting my path of recovering. There are relationships in the life of an addict that seem contributory to the addiction. Admitting who those people have been and the impact they have had, hasn’t been fun. When I sit down with someone I have not interacted with for a time, the thought runs in the back of my mind, today. Asking myself if these relationships from the past could work into my future. Sometimes the answer to the question comes pretty easily. While, at other times, it might take a few interactions to understand the relationship more deeply, with a clearer mind. With the description of my past personality as a shit show, or a basket case. The comment also carried something positive inside. The path of healing from my addiction or disorder has been working. Making me thankful to be sitting at lunch.
We always seem to enjoy hearing about positive change inside ourselves. The comments feel even more impactful from someone not seen often. Believing someone might be looking at us and feel they are interacting with a different person, can be motivating. The notice of contrast helps me to realize the impact of my path. However, it doesn’t simply indicate the friendship would be positive for me, moving forward. That question requires moving past the flattery of the new person they might see. It still leaves me questioning the treatment from years prior. Pondering the question of why someone would be around me, when they harbored that kind of perspective. It can be challenging to understand why someone would engage with an individual, they considered a shit show, or emotional basket case. The question leaves me thinking that for some people, being around me could have been self-serving. My circumstances could have enabled them to feel better about themselves. I know desperation was a strong aspect of my personality for years. Being very desperate for inclusion, I would go to self-damaging lengths, to achieve the slightest feeling of being accepted. There weren’t many boundaries being placed around my heart. Very little criteria to dictate how I needed to be treated. If someone wanted a desperate puppy to follow them around, no matter how they treated me, I was the guy. It can be sad to peel back the layers on how I was choosing to live.
It would probably be simple to take advantage of someone showing desperation. Even to the point of taking advantage of me without intention. I was living my life in ways of almost begging for people to take advantage. Because, it might have been the only way I felt useful to other individuals. Being taken advantage of might have been the only way of feeling comfortable in the presence of ‘friends’. The problem was the extent to which it was impacting my self-worth. The result of feeling unfulfilled from an interaction only led me back into my negative habit. Going back into the negative habit brought with it the feelings of shame. Continuing me back into the cycle of feeling like I should be taken advantage of as a person. The cycle went around and round for more years than can be counted. The product of that cycle was the reference being made at the lunch table. The view of my as having the personality of a shit show, or an emotional basket case. I was spending years looking for other people to turn around my life. Believing there was someone out there who could make the pain go away, stop the cycle. The problem with my line of thinking was the impossibility of it occurring. Especially, if people were looking upon me as an emotional basket case. Lacking the ability to live within any kind of emotional predictability. Looking back on my life during the time being referenced. I can see how unstable my day to day emotions had been, for years. It was never going to end with the taking of responsibility.
Now, I have spent years immersing myself in the process of healing. Even isolating myself from many of my relationships of the past years. Wanting to grow into a better individual, as free as possible from the influence of my relationships. Because, as the journey began, I had no idea which relationships were having a positive influence, and which might have been taking from my world. From my own perspective, the plan of removing myself from my social circles, carried a positive impact. This lunch was one of many signs I have interpreted, but this one felt more obvious, if only because it was strikingly verbalized. The vocabulary used to describe who I was in the past, hit home. It didn’t occur to me that challenges would be faced when my social life began to reemerge. The challenge of pulling away from watching pornography, then trying to stop a self-gratification habit, has been great. Even with the viewing of pornography being over two years into the rear-view mirror, the challenge of stepping down sexual fantasizing continues. However, there seems little doubt my personality has changed and improved through the healing journey. My improvement being reinforced by other people feels like a gift. But, the situation places me in a challenge of contemplation. What does my healing journey mean, as it relates to my past? How do I go about reconciling those relationships with the person I have become?
There have been some people with whom, I have completely pulled away from engaging in a relationship. Those decisions felt important for me to truly explore healing. As I reengage with some of the relationships. My hope revolves around the thought of changing dynamics. The journey of healing has slowly altered the manner in which I interact. Meaning, the person I’m interacting with will most likely see an improved individual. At least, that would be my hope for most all of my relationships. However, the change of my journey might not have a positive impact on some relationships. People could have enjoyed being around the person who was an emotional basket case. Upon interacting with me after some form of healing, they may attempt to manipulate me back into my hole of desperation. Tightening the screws, I like to refer to as the action. Attempting to intensify the tools, once used, to promote my addiction, and have me acting with emotional instability. While, other people could take on an opposite approach. Finding happiness and celebration over the road I have traveled to this point. Finding ways of encouraging me to keep climbing toward ending all aspects of my negative habit. The challenge seems to be in sensing the difference in the relationships. A process I didn’t think about as part of my journey. But, now feels to be at my doorstep.
I have learned, there are more complications to ending an addiction than stopping the act. It will always feel nice to hear someone talk about who I have become. Even when it pertains to comparing me to who I was before the journey. You were pretty much a shit show when we first knew one another. The comment might bounce around in my mind for a period. The response in my head, then why were you hanging around me during that period? A question that would seem to warrant a deeper look. Even so, the comment encourages me to reach further. No matter the category that relationship falls into, moving forward. Other people in my life might feel the same, but show me through different means. Instead of paying me a compliment, partially wrapped in an insult. As my life moves forward, this feels like the new challenge. The responsibility of balancing what to do with old relationships. The ones developed through the years of my disorder. My feeling is, like the journey of subsiding my addiction. The process of sorting out my relationships will become clearer, as I travel the road. For now, the observation, no matter how it was intended, feels encouraging. I was once told that stopping the act of an addiction is only 20% of the challenge. The other 80, I presume, becomes sorting through the personal battle leading to the addiction. Relationships, not matter what form they take, seem a large part of the 80%.
A Journey With Cerebral Palsy 